My most recent blog post The Spiritual Disciple of Parenting: Children in Church led my friend and colleague, Pastor Wes Telyea, to ask some great follow up questions. You can find my responses on his blog by clicking Caught By Christ.
Follow up Questions to “The Spiritual Discipline of Parenting: Children in Church.”
Filed under Ministry Reflections, Parenting
The Spiritual Discipline of Parenting: Children in Church
I have a friend over at Caught By Christ who wrote a good article on having your kids in the pews. I commend this article to you and have some additional reflections.
I am a big believer of children being in church. This is shocking I know. But, I am also very cognizant of when my children are being very loud in worship. Other children could be just as loud as mine and I don’t notice it very much. But, if it’s my children, I start trying to get my wife’s attention. After I’ve gotten it I give her the look to have her try and calm them down. I understand why people with children don’t take their kids to worship. Their noise level may jump exponentially for minor reasons.
As I think about this I have to remind myself that worship is not all about me and my children. This is my selfish desire to think that somehow my children will have such an impact on what is going on in worship, that it will somehow throw off what God is doing. It seems to me that this might turn out to be a good spiritual discipline. By having my children being formed in church I am giving them access them to God’s Word and Sacrament, which many don’t have. When they start to make noise and I want them to go to the nursery, I must stop and remember I am upholding my baptismal promises for them, they have to be there. I am taking them to worship and it’s not about me or my children. Worship is a messy event. When my children are loud I have to let go and realize that my children, or I, have not become the center of attention. So here is the spiritual discipline: take your children to church and when they are noisy remember that this worship is centered on God, people won’t focus on you, and rely once again on God. People are generally very kind to parents with children.
Live with the messiness of worship, loud children and all. It helps me to remember that I and my children are not the center of the universe, even though it could feel that way when their fighting over a hymnal.
Filed under Ministry Reflections, Parenting, Personal
Dealing with Death
Today is All Hallow’s Eve and with all the skeletons lining the yards of homes I can’t help but think about death. My mind wanders to how I will experience with my children the death of those that we love, because if there is one thing I know, we all die.
Some have a the sensation of fleeing the scene of a loved ones impending death. I have seen this a lot over the years. The usual rationalization is, “I want to remember them the way they were,” or, “I don’t want to see them that way.” My problem with this response is the “I” portion. Someone’s death is not about you, it’s about the dying person. They way you remember someone is up to you, but until they die, they still have personhood, and can probably hear you. Don’t cut the relationship off prematurely because you are uncomfortable.
I have seen this rational extend to children. Parents don’t want their children to see the family member in a poor state. So, they block their children from seeing the loved one, or they don’t them go to the funeral, with the best interest of the child in mind. The rational is usually that they want their child to remember the loved one as they were, not as they are now. I don’t really buy this rational. I think it’s more about discomfort then protecting a child’s memory.
I have also seen people skipping the part of loss and pain and going right into hope in Christ’s resurrection and hope for life with God. We tell children that their loved one is better off in heaven and miss the part where they won’t be coming over to play anymore.
We are a culture that do not know how to deal with death. I propose that we just confront our own discomfort, name it, and work through it. Talk to our children openly about it when the time comes. They won’t have the world shattering existential crises you are imagining. Be honest about missing the person, the pain of loss that you feel, it will hopefully help your own children own their feelings later on in life. Hopefully they won’t be retreating when your dying, with a lame excuse like, “I want to remember you the way you were.”
Filed under Ministry Reflections, Parenting, Youth Ministry
Liberty and Civil Discourse
Too often I hear those with strong left or right political ideologies labeling the other in an attempt to demonize their standings. I hear the word fascist or communist thrown around depending on who I’m talking to. In our country I am starting to think the debate isn’t about liberty and the restriction of liberty, but about what type of liberty to which we adhere. The types of liberty are spelled out in Isaiah Berlin’s essay Two Concepts of Liberty.
The first type is negative liberty, which is the freedom from interference. Andrew Heywood sums it up when he writes in Political Ideologies, “..in that freedom consists in each person being left along, free from interference and able to act in whatever way they may choose. This conception of Freedom is ‘negative’ in that it is based on the absence of external restrictions or constraints on the individual (pg. 31).” Now I can see most of those who hold to more libertarian views say that this is exactly what they are after. With the Constitution as their guide and the government leaving them own they can do anything. They might argue that leaving them alone is the what liberty actually means. With this conception of liberty being left alone is actually what causes innovation and therefor jobs.
The second type of Liberty is positive. Heywood writes, “defined by Berlin as the ability to develop skills and talents, broaden his or her understanding, and gain fulfillment (pg.31).” This is the freedom to pursue the good life. One is not so free to pursue the good life if they don’t have equal access to the resources of education, health care, and housing. This concept of liberty looks at the broader systems that keep people from pursuing the good life. It recognizes the collective element to our society and seeks to free people from these systems by taking steps to correct them. So, having a preexisting condition, before Obamacare, meant that a person was not free to have health care insurance and could go broke with costs of said condition. Positive liberty seeks to liberate people from the conditions that can keep them down.
It seems that debating these two types of liberty is actually what is going on in our political discourse. When I hear people talking online it seems like the merits of these two positions are actually what is being argued.
Filed under Politics
I Changed My Mind: Contemporary Christian Music
Going to non-denominational churches meant that I heard a lot of the newest contemporary worship music out there. For those of you that don’t know, the worship space in most of these churches is set up like a concert venue with maybe a pulpit and a cross at the center. Music and Bible Study take center stage.
Toward my end of being involved in that movement I was disheartened by the music and it’s sentimentality that lacked theological conviction. I started to amount this musical depth to “Jesus you’re my boyfriend.” You know, the type of song where you could replace the name of Jesus with your lovers name and no one would know the difference. I wanted music that had some theological depth and breadth that could stand that test of time, namely hymns. There are still some songs I can’t hear without laughing out loud, the “Victory Chant (Hail Jesus)” and “Shout to the North.” So I stopped listening to Christian music all together. And frankly for that amount of time I was better off. I learned to like other music again. But, something started to happen to me. I started to reevaluate my prejudice. After about 6 hears I have began once again to listen to some contemporary Christian music. I won’t defend all contemporary Christian music, because let’s face it, there is a lot of bad music out there.
There is a quality to some of the music that echoes scripture and has an integrity and deep sense of theological inquiry, which relies heavily on the same questions and longings that the Psalms, Lamentations, Song of Songs, and Prophets espouse. So, I changed my mind. I will not bash contemporary Christian music anymore. I will judge it on a song-by-song basis.
I could never go back to non-denominational worship services. I like being firmly established in a liturgical tradition that takes Word and Sacrament as the mode by which our Triune God comes to us. But, I might be playing it on my ipod every once and a while.
Filed under Ministry Reflections
Taking Parenting Personally
How do you parent? I am assuming that your parenting choices are the result of deeply held values, what works best for your child, and probably how you were raised. You might belong to a community or have friends that raises their children in a similar manner or an online support group. You might have read some books and have some deep reasoning for how and why you parent the way you do. How do you feel about the Furber Method or Attachment parenting? Very different styles here. Do you spank? Do you think spanking is abhorrent?
Now, what happens when you meet and talk to someone that parent’s differently than you? How do you react to them telling you that the way they parent is the exact opposite of the way you parent?
My brother and I are pretty different in the way we parent our children. Jeremy is very into routines and we are not. A few months ago we were have this conversation about parenting and I noticed that I was getting offended at the way he parents. After further reflection it was because it was as if the way he parents was judgement on the way I parent. Now, you could say that this is just sibling rivalry, but we are mature enough to process the conversations that we have. So I asked him how he was feeling about our conversation. It turns out he was also taking it very personally.
I have also noticed that when I talk to most people about parenting, there seems to be some tension. It is as if the way I parent is a judgment on their parenting choices. Maybe it is a judgment? I mean after all I have chosen to raise my children in a certain way because I think that is how to facilitate making thoughtful and mature adults. But then, most of our choices could be seen as judgments against other peoples choices. This really is no way to live.
So I want to propose some rules on how to talk with others about parenting.
1. Listen.
2. Ask questions.
3. Don’t judge.
4. Only talk about your own parenting choices. Don’t talk about others “poor” choices. That is probably a good rule of life too. It’s not nice to bash others.
5. Don’t take is personally when someones parenting choices contradict yours.
6. Be nice and respectful.
7. Be aware of how you are feeling when you are talking about parenting.
It seems that these are just good rules of conversation in general.
How has your experience been talking to others about parenting?
Filed under Parenting
Prayer
I came across this when reading a book by Brennan Manning.
“Is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy’s lap? An assured knowing that the daddy doesn’t care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? Is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?”
Filed under Quotes
My Wife is Funny and Ecumenism
Yesterday I had to opportunity to participate in an ecumenical foot washing and and service oriented event at the Episcopal Center in Ocean beach. All different types of denominations were represented and eager to serve those in need. 300 people signed up to receive new shoes, meals, haircuts, foot washing, prayer, communion, vet care (for their animals), medical care, help acquiring identification, and other services. I helped with communion. Bishop Mathes, the Episcopal Bishop was there, and since my wife Enrique is Episcopalian, I thought it would be funny to take a picture with him and send it to her. The message said, “Hanging with your Bishop.”
Well, this morning, Enrique went to serve meals to those in need at TACO in Downtown San Diego. TACO is housed at 1st Lutheran Church. I was not able to be there this morning. Well, funny thing is I received this picture with a text message this morning, “Hanging with your Bishop!”
This is Bishop Holmerud from the Sierra Pacific Synod in Northern California, which is the Synod I was assigned to in October. I couldn’t stop laughing. My wife is very funny.
Filed under Ministry Reflections
Quote
St. Dimitrii of Rostov, a 17th century Russian Bishop.
“Come, my Light, and illumine my darkness.
Come, my Life, and revive me from death.
Come, my Physician, and heal my wounds.
Come, Flame of divine love, and burn up the thorns of my sins, kindling my heart with thy flame of love.
Come, my King, sit upon the throne of my heart and reign there. For thou alone art my King and my Lord.”
Filed under Quotes
Ecumenical Lunches
Once a month, pastors from the Point Loma/Ocean Beach area gather together for lunch and fellowship. No agenda is needed, we just enjoy each other’s company. All pastors are welcome. If some do not come, it’s not because they weren’t invited. The denominations represented today were: Lutheran, Episcopalian, Nazarene, Methodist, Catholic (both nuns and a priest), Presbyterian, Baptist, and non-denominational. We shared a nice lunch at the Catholic church, we also rotate who hosts.
I am really impressed by how this group operates. We look for things to do together for the sake of Ocean Beach. When I first arrived in 2010 I was involved in helping with helping create a space for people to talk about issues surrounding homelessness. Remember the sticker that garnered national headlines?
The clergy had a series of forums that included residents, business owners, and the homeless. We were hoping to calm the powder keg that was about to go off from these stickers. I lead a group of folks that had all three of these groups talking in a civil way about their concerns for Ocean Beach. It was an amazing experience. I saw people start to realize that the people sitting across from them where actually people, not “the other.” By God’s grace nothing bad happened to the homeless or businesses.
We have also found ways of proclaiming God’s Word together. On Good Friday we had an ecumenical faith walk. We started at the Catholic church, read part of the passion narrative, and then processed to the next church and continued the narrative. In total we visited 5 churches. There were 200 people in attendance representing most of the denomination in Ocean Beach. We held up traffic because the procession was so long!
Here is a picture from the service.
We are planning on holding an ecumenical foot washing for Maundy Thursday.
Most of all, I am impressed about how we do not let our theological differences impede our fellowship. We could easily start a fight over an number of issues, but we don’t, we respect each others space and traditions. That’s the beautiful nature of this group, we stay true to our own theological heritage, respect theirs, and see Christ working amongst our respective ministries. I am honored to have been part of these lunches. I am honored to have served in Ocean Beach with such a great group of clergy. I hope that wherever God calls me there will be a group willing to share the city and proclaim Christ and him crucified.
Filed under Ministry Reflections
